Confessions of a Bad TV Addict

Mister Fanboy TV has returned from his visit at Vistas, a "spa" where he spent the last 30 days "rejuvenating" himself and purging the "toxins" from his system.

Mister Fanboy TV: Over the last 30 days I have learned that I need to take ownership for my own problems. So, here goes. I have a problem with pork chops. I have a problem with Nepalese refugees. And I have a problem with ugly toes. There I said it. But my biggest problem is my addiction to bad TV. I go on and one about how I hate American Idol (I really do). Why do I want to watch a show with amateurs singing? But more importantly, why would I want to hear them sing songs I hate? And then there's Paula Abdul she's just ... just ... No, I cannot go there. I can feel the rage building.

All of that is true. But what is also true is that I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance the last few weeks and I have enjoyed it. Why? I do not know. The counselors at Vistas think it has something to do with an incident 13 years ago at a Scrabble tournament in Ames, Iowa. I am not so sure. Regardless, I am glued watching the flamboyant men and women (especially the men) bump and grind and get critiqued after by insane female judges (the men seem sound of mind enough, with the obligatory bitchy Englishmen). God knows what the dark haired female judge is on that forces her to scream like that. The old me would have asked for some. But the counselors at Vistas have taught me coping mechanisms - like gin. Now that I have faced my addiction, I need to work through it. Won't you help me by sending me money, hookers, drugs, or booze. Please. Rationalize it by saying you're doing it to help the children. They are our future.

Oh, one more thing. Someone needs to garrote the host's wardrobe people for what they make her wear during the show. Last week she wore a giraffe print mini dress. She consistently wears the most hideous clothing I have ever seen. Even more hideous than looking at this.

Shudder. Scary shit, huh?